Welcome to SquirrelElites.org (Yes, MINE Now)

A Weekly Nut Special Edition, brought to you by your favorite faux-fur-clad Squirrel-in-chief at SpiritHoods.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

Or, more accurately, look what wandered onto my newly acquired domain because somebody (I'm not naming names, but you know who you are, mystery street-poster artists of LA, SF, and NYC) forgot to do the single most basic thing on the entire internet:

Register. All. Their. Domains.

[evil squirrel cackle echoes through the canopy]

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the official Squirrel-in-Residence over at SpiritHoods, where I write The Weekly Nut… the only newsletter on the internet penned by an actual rodent with strong opinions about faux fur and even stronger opinions about acorn supremacy. And as of approximately seventeen seconds ago, I'm also the proud, lawful, slightly-smug new owner of "SquirrelElites.org" and "Squirrelites.com".

How did this happen, you ask? Pull up a tree branch. Get comfy.

The Heist (Which, To Be Fair, Wasn't Even Hard)

Picture it: a balmy afternoon in Los Angeles. I'm doing my usual rounds, burying my nuts, mocking pigeons, judging humans for their poor cardio, when I notice these slick little posters slapped everywhere. "SQUIRREL ELITES," they declare, in a font that absolutely screams "we have a Pinterest board." And there, in tiny print, a URL: Squirrelites.org.

Cute. Real cute.

So I scampered home. I checked the records. And I discovered something delicious: the so-called "Squirrel Elites" had registered one domain. ONE. They left SquirrelElites.org and Squirrelites.com flapping in the breeze like a poorly secured walnut on a windy day.

So I did what any self-respecting elite squirrel would do.

I jacked their nuts. 🥜 

Mwahahahaha!

On The Matter Of My Eliteness

Since you've now arrived at the address of the actually elite squirrel, allow me to clarify the rankings. I am, by every conceivable metric, the supreme Squirrel of our age:

• Tail fluffiness: Off the charts. Stylists weep openly.

• Acorn cache locations: Encrypted. I don't even know all of them anymore. That's how elite my brain is — I've outsmarted myself.

• Wardrobe: Exclusively SpiritHoods, because I refuse to wear the fur of my own kind, and also because faux fur frankly looks better on me anyway.

• Cunning: See: this entire blog post.

• Domain portfolio: Recently expanded. Aggressively.

If "Squirrel Elite" is a club, I'm the founder, the bouncer, the bartender, and the guy who shows up at 2 AM to lock the place down.

So You Like What You're Reading So Far And Want To Read More?

In my infinite, fuzzy-tailed magnanimity, I have decided to allow new recruits into the inner circle. All you have to do is

Subscribe to The Weekly Nut:

That's right. MY newsletter. The official communiqué of positive Animal Inspired News. Wanna read uplifting news for animals, I got you. Wanna laugh your ass off at hilarious animal content, I got you. Wanna read about upcoming laws to vote on for animal welfare, I got you. Subscribe, and you're in. 

Your first emails will arrive by carrier pigeon.

(I'm kidding. It's email. Pigeons cannot be trusted.)

No subscription, no army, no glory. These are the rules. I don't make them.

(I make them.)

A Word On The Other Squirrelites

Now. As your benevolent rodent ruler, I want to be fair.

The squirrels behind the original posters, the ones who, again, did not register all of their domains, but whatever, I've moved past it, I'm fine, it's fine… actually have very cool artwork. Like, genuinely cool. I've seen it. I respect it. It's the kind of stuff I'd hang in my treehouse if treehouses had flat walls.

So while they may not be as elite as me (no one is), they are still squirrels. And being a squirrel is, by definition, an elite condition. So technically? They're elite too. Just slightly less so than yours truly.

Go check them out. Their stuff lives here:

🐿️ Visit the original Squirrelites art collection →

Tell them their long-lost cousin sent you. They'll know who you mean.